Dating the wrong person Senior online sex chat
The question is just where the problems will lie: perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us, or we can only relax when we are working, or we’re a bit tricky around intimacy after sex, or we’ve never been so good at explaining what’s going on when we’re worried.
It’s these sort of issues that – over decades – create catastrophes and that we therefore need to know about way ahead of time, in order to look out for people who are optimally designed to withstand them.
Nevertheless, one encounters some couples of such primal, grinding mismatch, such deep-seated incompatibility, that one has to conclude that something else is at play beyond the normal disappointments and tensions of every long-term relationship: some people simply shouldn’t be together. It’s all the sadder because in truth, the reasons why people make the wrong choices are easy to lay out and unsurprising in their structure.
Given that marrying the wrong person is about the single easiest and also costliest mistake any of us can make (and one which places an enormous burden on the state, employers and the next generation), it is extraordinary, and almost criminal, that the issue of marrying intelligently is not more systematically addressed at a national and personal level, as road safety or smoking are.
Whenever more casual relationships threaten to reveal the ‘difficult’ side of our natures, we tend to blame the partner – and call it a day.
As for our friends, they predictably don’t care enough about us to have any motive to probe our real selves. Therefore, we end up blind to the awkward sides of our natures.
Our brains are primed to take tiny visual hints and construct entire figures from them – and we do the same when it comes to the character of our prospective spouse.
We are – much more than we give ourselves credit for, and to our great cost – inveterate artists of elaboration.
However well-meaning they might be, they too are in no position to grasp, let alone inform us, of what is wrong with them. We go and visit their families, perhaps the place they first went to school. All this contributes to a sense we’ve done our homework.A standard question on any early dinner date should be quite simply: ‘And how are you mad?’ The problem is that knowledge of our own neuroses is not at all easy to come by.It can take years and situations we have had no experience of.Prior to marriage, we’re rarely involved in dynamics that properly hold up a mirror to our disturbances.
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The level of knowledge we need for a marriage to work is higher than our society is prepared to countenance, recognise and accommodate for – and therefore our social practices around getting married are deeply wrong.